Burned

C sat me down for a talk this evening.  You see, I walked into school at 7:20am today and left campus at 5pm.  When I called my husband at 5pm, my voicemail sounded something like this…

 

“Hey, it’s me.  I’m just leaving school now.  The site interview ran late.  I’m really hoping you’re willing to go out for dinner because, well, I’m really tired.  And, I didn’t get to run. So.  It’s OK.  I’m coming home.”

 

These phone calls & working hours have been happening more frequently in the last few weeks and C is understandably concerned.  In addition to my training schedule (which I designed), he is extremely worried that I’m going to burn myself out.

 

And, he’s probably right.

 

I’ve been going into the office at school more frequently in need of pep talks.  “I am one person,” I keep saying, “how am I supposed to complete all of {this}?  What are the expectations for non-contract hours?  Why do I have all of the Level 2 kids?  When am I supposed to…Plan with my co-teachers?  Department?  Team?  Help students?  Grade papers?  Create common formative & summative assessments?  Analyze data? Plan reteaching strategies?  Help to organize RTI?  Plan RTI sessions?  Plan lessons?… all on top of teaching 6 sections of freshman science?  How am I supposed to do this with one prep period that we only receive 60% of a week (maximum)?

 

My building has a unique schedule.  We run an 8-period day on Monday, Tuesday, and Fridays and have a block schedule on Wednesday (odd periods) and Thursday (even periods).  If I have first period prep (I do), I get a “skinny” prep on M, T, & F and a block prep on Wednesdays with no prep period on Thursdays. On Mondays & Wednesdays, we are expected to have our department meeting & team meeting (respectively) during our prep time.  As facilitator for my department, I made an executive decision to move our department meeting after school on Mondays because we were pulling our hair(s) out getting ready for the day/week.  This morning was our team meeting because we have a block prep (87 minutes).  We met for 60 minutes (15 minutes over our allotted meeting time), giving us 27 minutes for a prep for the next two days of instruction.  We also didn’t have prep time after school because we had an all-staff meeting (well, actually, I attended an IEP meeting and then drove over to the high school for a department of education site interview that lasted until 5).  Basically, had I attended the staff meeting, the majority of my prep time would have been outside of contract hours.

 

I wake up at 5am.  I try to hang out with my husband in the mornings while drinking coffee (usually for 20 minutes).  I leave my home between 6:45-7:00am every day.  I use my remaining prep time at school, including lunch, to work (grade, plan, replan, regrade).  I am allowed to have an hour or so to myself every night, am I not?  Then, why do I feel so guilty about working until 4:30, working out until 5:30, driving home (25 minute commute), making dinner & having meaningful conversation with C until 7:30 and then crawling onto the couch to watch 20 minutes of a TV show before passing out?  Why do I feel like I’m not working hard enough?

 

What the hell am I going to do when we have kids?  I barely see Chris as it is.  Let alone if we add more humans to the mix.

 

What am I doing wrong?

 

Because of this, I binge-write and schedule posts.  That is really no fun, to be honest.  From my writing, you’d think that I’m not a particularly pretty blogger, I’m an average runner, I take shitty photos with my iPhone, I cook really basic food, I’m not that funny and I don’t write profound things.  And, that’s not because I think I’m any of those things, it’s because I’m scared that if I voice my opinion (or write the real way I talk) that I’ll either lose the small following I have or someone from work/the community will show my blog to someone higher up at school and I’ll get into trouble.

 

I’m not being myself in any aspect of my life and I am emotionally & physically drained.  Basically, Chris is right.  I am burned out.  I’m overwhelmed with life in general.  I feel pretty worthless and not true to myself.  I want to be better at blogging, teaching, running and being a good friend & spouse.  I’m being pulled in so many directions that I’m not sure where to turn.

 

I’m so thankful to have a job that I love (98% of the time), have supportive family and friends (internet and real life), and even more thankful that I have a spouse that puts up with a lot of my bullshit & being a typical stress case.

 

There’s been a lot of buzz in the blog world that things are too “plastic” and that we need to start being more “real.”  Well, y’all, this is as real as it gets.  Somehow this Lorax quote seems to feel appropriate::

 

Thanks for reading.

xo

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4 thoughts on “Burned

  1. I feel that way at times too. Life is not about perfection, but we just do the best we can. And that’s okay… as long as we ENJOY the journey and take time for the little things. The real vs plastic thing- I agree. It’s easier said than done, but being real vs pleasing others can be a huge relief. I have to work on that daily.

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